Keeping Your Family ‘Brain Healthy’ in an Always Connected World

#truelove #allowing #dating

GPS for the Soul – The Huffington Post
Keeping Your Family ‘Brain Healthy’ in an Always Connected World
Recently, I delivered a daylong workshop to representatives of international schools at a conference in Mumbai, India, hosted by the American School of Bombay. The conference is called ASB Unplugged and this is my third appearance in the last three years with the audience being IT directors, administrators and teachers all working in schools that heavily incorporate technology. I had prepared for weeks, had my slides nicely divided into three modules and was going along fine until someone asked me the following question:

“Based on your research and research that you have read and trust, what are your main suggestions for us to help our students stay focused and not get distracted?”

I thought for a moment and proceeded to ditch the last two-thirds of my talk and carefully extracted a few slides here and a few slides there and had an epiphany. Yes, I could answer her question and yes I did feel that I had the data to back up most of my answers. Where I didn’t have the data I felt that I had a reasonable explanation based on what I know about brain functioning. And, more importantly, I felt that I could take her question one step further and talk more generally about what we could do to help our family stay healthy including both our daily and nighttime activities. I think that the latter — our sleep and rest — is more critical than ever because the data show that most of us are not getting enough rest and that’s not good for our brain or our lives.

In one study of ours we found that teenagers average 6.1 hours of sleep per weeknight and try to make up for it by sleeping an average of 10-plus hours on the weekend. Using the American Pediatric Academy’s guideline that teens need an average of 9 hours of sleep per night the math leads us to the conclusion that teens are accumulating a 12-hour sleep debt per week! Just visit the National Sleep Foundation’s website and read some of their reports and you, too, will be convinced how important it is that we relearn how to sleep for our health.

Step 1: Reset Your Overloaded Brain Often During the Day: And Help Your Children Do the Same
There is now ample evidence that technology and our busy lives overly stimulate our brains. And most family members are immersed in technology all day long, often for hours on end without a break. There is also emerging evidence that certain activities act to calm our brains. For example, one study had participants wear an EEG cap and first walk in a busy, urban area and, not surprisingly, their brains showed heightened activity.

However, when they then walked into a park the activity decreased dramatically in a very short time. Leaving the park and walking in the city again jacked up the activity. Based on my reading of similar studies there are many activities you can do to calm your brain (I cover these activities and more in my book, iDisorder). Mindful meditation works as does exercise. Other potential calming activities include taking a hot shower or bath, speaking a foreign language, listening to music, looking at art, laughing, talking to a friend (but only if it is a positive conversation; negative conversations appear to overly activate your brain) and even practicing a musical instrument. And it appears that it only takes about five to 10 minutes for the brain activity to reduce significantly.

This is not a new concept. Cigarette breaks and coffee breaks were designed to get us away from our desks to revitalize us and make us more productive, albeit through the ingestion of chemicals. As far back as the 1960s, Nathaniel Kleitman, a pioneer in sleep research, suggested that just as our sleeping brains have 90-minute cycles so do our awake brains. He called this our Basic Rest and Activity Cycle and suggested that every 80 to 120 minutes our brains need a rest (you can read more about this in the following article: Kleitman, N., Basic rest-activity cycle — 22 years later, Journal of Sleep Research & Sleep Medicine, 5(4), Dec 1982, 311-317 or an interesting interview with Dr. Kleitman in David Lloyd and Ernest Rossi’s book, Ultradian Rhythms in Life Processes: An Inquiry into Fundamental Principles of Chronobiology and Psychobiology). Try a 10-minute break every hour and a half to two hours and pick an activity that neuroscientists know calm your brain activity.

Step 2: Train Yourself and Your Family Members to Focus and Attend With Technology Breaks
There has been a lot of talk about how we are overloaded with technology and the truth is that we are. Most of us carry our smartphone in our pockets or purse and rarely is it out of sight (and certainly not out of mind). As an observer of people, I have noticed many younger people choosing to carry their smartphone in their hand almost as an extension of their body. When I ask them why they claim that they want to feel the vibration so that they don’t miss anything. Some call it FOMO or fear of missing out, and about six months ago I wrote a post on this very topic for Psychology Today, which is prominent among heavy smartphone users (Always On, All the Time: Are We Suffering From FoMO?).

I have heard some claim that we need to go on a technology fast to appreciate our life without technology and recently spent time talking about this with someone who runs a weekend digital detox program. But I think that begs the issue. No matter how much fun you have playing games and interacting face-to-face with people over a weekend you are still going to return to your world of email, Facebook, Twitter, text messages, Instagram, World of Warcraft and oh so many electronic communication modalities. They are alluring and they make us feel, for the most part, wanted and cared for by our “friends” be they friends in RL (real life) or SL (screen life).

By the way, I am not disclaiming the value of both types of friends. In a recent study we found that those young adults who had more Facebook friends AND who spent more time talking to people on the telephone evidenced fewer symptoms of dysthymia (mild depression) and major depression. This is not to say that having many Facebook friends is all good since it also predicted more symptoms of mania, narcissism, OCD and many other anxiety-based disorders.

So the solution is not to stop using the tools that are so valuable at providing connection and knowledge. The trick is to learn when to use them and when to put them aside. In July 2013, I wrote a blog post for The Huffington Post entitled, ““You Don’t Need a Digital Detox: You Just Need to Learn to Set Limits and Boundaries.” At this point it was simply an idea of how one might go about helping students in tech-rich classrooms learn to focus. I have since extended it to how to help your family have a tech-free dinner at home or in a restaurant as well as how to develop a sense of focus when you are supposed to be spending time with family and not continually glancing at your smartphone.

Over the past nearly three years many teachers and parents have reported back to me that they are using tech breaks with major success. One teacher in my workshop literally spent five minutes telling the others how magnificent it was working with her middle school and high school students. The technique is simple and you can read about it in my earlier blog post but the upshot is that you are training your brain to not produce neurotransmitters that, in turn, produce physical anxiety symptoms, which then signal your brain to check in with technology to reduce those symptoms and rid the brain of those neurotransmitters.

Step 3: Have Your Children Put Away Their Smartphones an Hour Before Bedtime (and You Do the Same, to Model Healthy Brain Behavior)
Taking our cue from the National Sleep Foundation we did a study that examined the activities that might lead to a poor night’s sleep among teens and college students. Basically, three things predicted a poor night’s sleep: excessive use of a smartphone in the last hour before bedtime, constant multitasking during that same time period and sleeping with a smartphone next to the bed (ostensibly as an alarm clock).

Although we never published the study due to some methodological issues, the conclusions, I believe, are valid. We found, for example, that 75 percent of the subjects slept with their phone next to the bed either with the ringer on or on vibrate and most checked their phone if they awakened during the night. Sure, they told us they were just looking at it to check the time but nearly all smartphones display recent alerts and notifications and seeing them impacts your brain chemistry and essentially disrupts your sleep cycle by activating a variety of neurotransmitters depending on the messages and alerts and their emotional impact. If you, or your teenager claim that you keep your phone next to the bed because it’s your alarm clock I will be happy to send you a link to a very inexpensive alarm clock that does nothing but display the time.

Step 4: Replace Nighttime Smartphone Use With More Calming Activities
This suggestion is based less on actual data and more on my rudimentary understanding of brain function and neurotransmitters. Without your smartphone what will you do? In my guess is that the more familiar the program — meaning the more predictable the plot — the less it will activate your brain in ways that might make sleep difficult. Along the same lines, I suggest that listening to music might also help but only music that is very familiar, in fact, so familiar that you feel you can hum the tune in your sleep.

Again, my supposition is that this predictable music will activate fewer disruptive neurotransmitters and essentially use well-reinforced neural pathways that we know require less oxygen and glucose. Don’t listen to new music because that will likely lead to more brain activation as you try to learn the tune and the words, which will interfere with the production of neurotransmitters that aid in falling asleep. My final suggestion is to read a paper book. However, I recommend that you don’t simply select any book but read one written by an author that you like and have read extensively so that the writing and the plot is predictable, again, hopefully using less brain power and allowing for sleep to ensue.

Step 5: Have Everyone in Your Family Practice Metacognition
Metacognition is understanding how your mind or brain works. Extended into the realm of technology, a metacognitive person is one who has a clear idea of what activities are stimulating and what activities are calming. Checking your email before you go to bed is probably not smart and a person who is metacognitive knows that. It’s important to learn what activities you personally find calming and relaxing and which ones simply overactivate your brain.

Personally, I find crossword puzzles calming, which sounds counterintuitive since they are certainly using a lot of brainpower but for me they are calming, and don’t disrupt my ability to sleep. I find some television shows relaxing and others invigorating. Some people know that taking a shower before bed relaxes them while others find a shower wakes them up and stimulates them. You alone know the activities that are good and calming for your brain and even if they make no sense practice being metacognitive about what you do during your rest and sleep periods.

When I visit schools around the world I insist that I not only speak to the teachers and parents but that I have the opportunity to talk to the students. My message is often all about how their brains function and even the youngest ones get it. With some analogies, students can understand how their brains function and how important it is to take care of them to stay healthy and alert all day long and how to get the most out of their nighttime activities and sleep. As we learn more about how our brain functions I suspect we will also learn more about what is good for our brain and what is not. As I learn more I will share the information here with you.

How to Thrive in Love
Arianna Huffington’s New Book Is A Boon To Intimacy In Relationships

We got an early look at Arianna Huffington’s new book, Thrive: The Third Metric To Creating A Life Of Well-Being, Wisdom And Wonder, and immediately realized it was a gift to the wellbeing of intimate relationships as well as overall wellness.

Reading Thrive will be a transformative event in anyone’s life, but if one of your passions is creating conscious relationships in your life, you’ll get a special value from it. Bottom line: Everything Arianna says about wellbeing is absolutely true for the health of your relationships.

We’ve been married and working together for close to 35 years now, and during that time we’ve seen just about every sort of relationship conflict come up, either in our home or in working with 4000+ couples in our seminars and office. The issues that first bring couples to relationship counseling, the Big Four, are money, sex, kids and chores. Arguments about those four topics consume much of the fight-time in long-term relationships. But as any seasoned relationship coach will tell you, the problem is seldom where you first think it is. In other words, a recycling argument about money may actually be driven by a deeper source as yet hidden from anyone’s awareness. Here is where Thrive contributes something of great value to relationships: Arianna’s book gets to the source causes of the imbalances that contribute to recycling arguments about money, sex, kids and chores.

Pause to consider something fundamental to all of us: how many relationship conflicts in our lives — at home, at work, in school — would have happened if we’d gotten eight hours of deep, restful sleep the night before?


Would we have gotten into that argument at home, just after an exhausting day at work, if we hadn’t run our bodies the whole day on a cup of yogurt, four espressos and a chocolate bar?

We’re not suggesting that all relationship problems can be resolved with better sleep and nutrition, just as all automobile problems aren’t solved with a full tank of gas, but not to address the fundamentals is asking for trouble. Couples need to address other fundamental issues such as:
•Are we willing to focus on solutions rather than continuing to burn our energy in blame and criticism?
•Do we want a relationship of complete honesty, or do we want to maintain areas of concealment?
•Are we willing to make a new commitment to appreciating and being appreciated in this relationship?

Your ability to answer questions such as those will be greatly enhanced if you have an awareness of the issues Arianna explores in Thrive. Thrive is a deep and comprehensive book. It goes far beyond foundation issues such as sleep and nutrition into the spiritual nature of life itself, and this is where the book becomes of ultimate usefulness in relationships. Relationships are where our spiritual natures thrive and grow and can be appreciated most profoundly. Relationships are also where we see our spiritual shortcomings most clearly, the moments when we discover the giant gaps between our good intentions and their flawed execution.

Our experience is that the quest for intimacy in love is also a quest to discover one’s own spiritual essence. We ask the couples who come to us to think of their relationship as a spiritual path, to make the same kind of deep commitment to its wellbeing that they would make toward any significant spiritual endeavor.

Now, those of us who want to thrive in love have a new tool. When a new couple comes in for counseling, we usually give them a copy of Conscious Loving to read (or re-read) before the next session; now we’ll also give them a copy of Thrive and say, “Read this one first.”

Katie and Gay Hendricks are the authors of relationship classics such as Conscious Loving, Learning To Love Yourself and relationship mystery novels such as The Third Rule Of Ten. Hay House will publish their new book on relationships at midlife and later life in early 2015. More about their work at

Subliminal hypnosis: sports hypnosis, weight loss hypnosis, mental health hypnosis, and 40 different topics hypnosis at, full catalog photo 2163_zps044fb03b.jpg


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s